Trust Issues

The last time someone told me the truth it only proved the other truths were lies

So excuse me if I rummage through old baggage in search of something new

Unpacking has taken a while I’ll admit, and most of this stuff needs a garbage

Then I could make room for something better; then I could make space for you

Is that too heavy?

Saying so won’t make me think any less. Saves us both time.

Understand I’m a little broken. Except I’m real about it. See, that’s all I’m looking for–honesty.



sms aka whatevertheyaint

august 2018


Little Nuggets of Truth Found Online


From the Archive: Five Years Ago

Where did you go, you know, the person?  Not the one we see but the you inside.

Where did you go?  You let them strip you of your joy,  your energy, your light.

Lose who you are and you become a collage of everything and everyone else.


Feeling some sort of way that I can’t define. Is it depression? Frustration? Inertia? My writer’s brain says “caged” but that’s a bit dramatic. It’s a long story that I suppose my conscience has nudged me about before. Something has been trying to tell me something for years.

So when do you say, enough is enough? When do you just…free fall? Is there anything besides concrete down there when I jump?

The abridged version of this story is that the current circumstances aren’t working, at all. However, being the overly cautious thinker I am, I’m reluctant to just open a window and plummet.  It seems impractical to starve while happy, and yet it’s crazy to make money while sacrificing one’s self, family, and sanity. Tis the world we live in. We learn to become collages.

I eventually retired from retail in 2012 due to health issues and a couple of surgeries, one of which didn’t go well.  Now, because of more life changes, I find myself at yet another crossroad.

True, I’ve enjoyed the freedom of being fully present when it comes to family. And in hindsight, things happened that I don’t know if I could’ve dealt with while working full-time–serious illnesses, the death of my father, marital separation.

It baffles me that I got more writing done while working thirty to forty hours, with two small children, than I do without a binding schedule and with kids old enough to occupy themselves. I’ve enjoyed watching them grow, I’ve also missed the security of steady paychecks.  I’m saying this to say that happiness doesn’t come from circumstance. Happiness is a state of mind, period.  But we have to figure out who we are, what we want, and how we’ll balance our true callings with the titles society places upon us.

Who are you? Where did you go? Lose who you are and you become a collage of everything and everyone else.


Your turn:

In definition of “inner calling” how would you define yourself?

In terms of societal titles, name at least three that describe you.

If you’re not being true to yourself, what’s the reason?

Map out a way to get back to the real you 😉



In definition of inner calling, I’d define myself as: a writer, an empath, a peacemaker

In terms of societal titles, I’d describe myself as: a mother,  an estranged spouse, an introvert who knows how to play it off when necessary

I’m not true to myself because: I’m not a fan of failure, abstract ideas, or what-ifs

And yes, I’m mapping out a way of getting back to the real me 🙂











Camp NanoWriMo

this one time, at writing camp…”

I have an issue with challenges.  I take them on (as long as they don’t include jumping off bridges or parachuting) with a zeal and determination so strong I’m often looked at as being crazy.

Translation: I’m stubborn and driven.

In November 2011 I joined Nanowrimo and, after several sleepless nights, brain fatigue, and–according to staff–a car that continued to roll as I jumped out each morning (I ALWAYS managed to make it to the clock on time.  Well, almost always), I completed a draft.  My first, somewhat flawed novel!

2012 found me struggling to make it pass 3,000 words.  If you’re familiar with Nano, you know that the goal for National Writing Month is more like 50K.  I forced my way through a couple of chapters, wrapped my hands in ace bandages and splints, and eventually listened to that other voice in my head, the voice of reason.

Now it is 2013 and, after receiving an email about CAMP Nanowrimo, I’m in the trenches again.  Well, not really the trenches.  More like…a retreat?  That’s what the web page says.

So, as I pack up and head to the cabin, I hope that my cabin mates are as eager as I am, that they don’t snore, that we don’t get eaten by bears, and that we all reach our writing goals.

Happy camping.


How about you?  Are you participating in Camp Nano this month?  If so, what are you working on? Do you plan to collaborate with someone or go it alone?  And, if you’re looking for a partner, would you care to join me?

As I Randomly Sign Off on 2012: Transitions

After all, we are the designated driver of our lives.  Put anyone else in the car seat and there’s no telling where you’ll end up–possibly somewhere you don’t want to be.

But first, we have to be willing to navigate.

Change” isn’t so bad.  It’s the fear of removing one’s self from the familiar, from one’s comfy little habitat,  that can become debilitating.

Ever since I embarked upon a transition, I’ve felt more in tune with my TRUE self.

Fix whatever ain’t working.  In the end, you’ll be glad you did.

Go, go, go, go.  Get moving!

How far can you go?  As far as you want to if you’re willing to try.

I am my only restraint”  Remember that, and don’t hold yourself back.

Just because you’re unsure of what the outcome will be doesn’t mean you can’t step out on faith. (“Faith” being the key word)

Keep dreaming, but also work in harmony with your dreams.

Love yourself first and everything else will turn out lovely.

Make it happen.

Nobody can do you like you.

Omg, what have I done?” (This will be the first reaction upon making a major, life-changing decision:-)

Pardon me, but I’m HAPPY now. (And this is the ideal outcome, although it may take a while, after making a huge, life-altering decision)

Question yourself if necessary, but don’t doubt yourself.

Realize that transitions are inevitable. They’ll happen with or without you.

Stand tall, stand firm.

The road gets all twisty sometimes, but you’ll be okay.

Under  no circumstances should one completely burn their bridges.  Might have to cross over em again to get to the next destination.

Void is a life robotically lived.

What’s over yonder?  We’ll never know if we aren’t curious.

Examine where you are at to get where you want to be.

Yearn for something; it makes life worthwhile.

Seize today!


Your turn:

What major transitions did you face this year?  How did they turn out?  What advice would you give others dealing with a similar situation?  If you had to sum up 2012 in one word what would it be?


Do share in the comment section.

The Walk Through (Mental Mantra)

This too shall  pass

HE never packs on more than we can carry

Every tunnel has light down yonder


When life hands you pee, make apple juice

All is well if we think it

Look for the funny in everything

Keep your head up  


Trials teach us to help others

Heaven help us all

Resilience makes us stronger

Our stories are a collaboration

Understand that, and you’ll get by

Give, and you just might forget

How hard your own struggles seem




YOUR TURN:  Do you have a mental “walk through” or mantra when things get tough?  If so, what is it?  Do share.

Poets & Poetry II

Nothing is  more relaxing (for me) than sprawling across the couch with  a book of poetry, my reading glasses, soft lighting, and a little jazz.

Today I’ve migrated from the bed to the computer room; I’ve eaten and worked my way to the living room; I’ve promised myself a shower after “one more page” and now, here I am, at the computer again, to share more of my faves with you.  Of course, some of these I’ve read more than once–maybe twice, or three times over the years.

Friedrich Von Schiller Poesie

Jessica Hagedorn Sorcery

Janice Mirikitani August 6

Georgia Douglas Johnson I Want To Die while You Love Me

Laureen Mar The Window Frames the Moon

When I Stand Around Among Poets Lucille Clifton

Robert Hayden Runagate, Runagate

Henry Dumas Afro-America

**Audre Lorde  Stations (One of my faves of all time…thus far)

Emily Dickenson Because I Could Not Stop for Death

Janice Mirikitani Desert Flowers

Paul Laurence Dunbar We Wear the Mask

Denise Duhamel I Told You I Was Sick

Gwendolyn Brooks We Real Cool

Rudyard Kipling  If

To be continued…

In the meantime, who are your favorites and why?