Posted in everyday living

Rationales

I have been told that I am very rational. There are times in which I’m uncertain whether this is a compliment or a polite way of saying, “You should be crying, yelling, having a nervous breakdown; instead you’re just…standing there. What is your deal!”

Okay, in a couple of situations people pointed out the latter as well.

My reasoning may be faulty, but I feel there has to be some logical reason for every action and reaction in life.  The person who talks to everyone as if they’re idiots from some unknown galaxy? Well, maybe that’s the way they’ve been taught to communicate.  Perhaps their parents conversed with one another that way.  Maybe the rude person in question is having a rough day. That lady who threw a worn garment in your face and demanded a refund, even though the sweater was 80% cat hair and 20% sweater? (And, yes, that happened years ago when I was pregnant with my first child, hormonal, and working customer service)  It is possible that poor lady was…crazy!

Yet, here I am, trying to find a logical reason why this month has been so challenging.  And attempting to find a way to deal–rationally.  And because I can’t, I simply avoid. (See the post: Access & Avoid)

This month: I lost a person I grew up with to lupus, and it hit home harder than usual because…I too have lupus and we were a team, a support group. When this person was diagnosed twelve years ago, she had a family and army of friends who stood by and willed her on.  And to go to her funeral was very hard.

This month: Carpal tunnel wrecked havoc.  Had to halt nano, make a couple of trips to the doctor, pray and recite my daily mantra.  (See, the  post: The Walk-through Daily Mantra) 

To process what nerve damage in both hands means would only make me frustrated, so I search for positive things to do which require minimal movement.

Mind you, holding a book isn’t an easy task. But reading  Poems that Save your Life, a book of inspirational poetry, has lifted my spirits some.

What is my favorite so far?  It’s Fine Today, by Douglass Malloch. The lines which resonate most?  These:

It’s today that I am livin’

Not a month ago.

Havin’; losin’; takin’; given’;

As time wills it so.

Yesterday a cloud of sorrow

Fell across the way,

It may rain again tomorrow,

It may rain–but say,

Ain’t it fine today?

Posted in life and reflection

Flashback, Remembrance

Blue alarm clock
Blue alarm clock (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m not a  morning person. Even after eleven years, I l struggle with crawling back into bed after morning drop-offs or ignoring the alarm clock altogether and burrowing deeper into the covers, especially on cool or wintry days.  Yet, on this particular morning,  begrudged, I answered the phone, wondering who in the world could call at such an ungodly hour.  Didn’t people know my wake-up time?  No earlier than noon?!

To my surprise it was my mother.  She didn’t call often and she wasn’t an early bird either, so instinctively my mind told me something was wrong.  That part is a long story but involves a drunk lady, a car, my challenged cousin, whom stoned-lady had on top of the car holding down a mattress, and a hospital. Cousin’s injuries were many, his diagnosis not so good.

Minutes later, as I lay in bed, someone knocked on the door. It was a repairman. He informed me he’d come to fix my leaky faucet. Finally!  I thought.  I let him in, opened the curtains, realized what a gorgeous day it was. If only I could wake before noon every morning, I thought to myself. I even opened the windows, took in the breeze signaling the imminent change of seasons.  While fix-it -guy tinkered with the sink, I switched on the television.  That story too is long, painful, and all too familiar to us. It involves an anchorman, several planes, and two iconic towers.

I watched as the newsman reported a plane crashing into the World Trade Center.  Gosh, I reasoned, that’s crazy! And, as my mind often does, I imagined the people on that plane and what must have gone through their minds as things went haywire. What were they thinking; what did their prayers consist of; who did they call, if anyone?

But then, shortly after, another plane.  I froze.  Mouth open.  Thoughts churning.  Something wasn’t right with the scenario.  At all.  I didn’t understand how and why it seemed to just…aim for the building, almost as if on purpose.

Fix-it guy stepped into the room.  He too stood there.  Mouth open.  As news continued to develop, we learned of another plane; and I knew, maybe we all knew then, that some strange ish was going down.  As networks replayed footage throughout the day, my heart just…I don’t know, I can’t describe it, even now.  People–jumping., running, crying, in a daze, in a state of disbelief?

I went to work.  The city went wild. There were rumors of gas prices sky-rocketing so nearly everyone in the small town where I live was at a pump.  Of course my car sat on empty.  I didn’t even try to get gas; that was the least of my concerns.  What did concern me was our future.  And, vain as it was, I wondered if I would get to see my upcoming birthday. Would any of us live to see our birthdays?

That night, I snuggled closer to my boyfriend, listening for the sound of planes overhead, even though all flights were restricted.  I closed my eyes and knew that something significantly changed that day.  Mind-sets changed, the world changed…and hasn’t been the same since.

  • What were you doing on that fateful morning?
  • What were your thoughts?
  • Do you feel the events of that year changed how we think, live, react?
  • If so, how?

***

Here is a reader’s take on that day:

Barbara Ann Divine

September 11, 2001

On this day I woke up a lot later than I do now. I had no kids, no husband, and I actually got sleep. I was living at home and my sister and her kids lived next door. I walked up to her house and for some reason I was alone. I turned on the tv to see that the world was finally coming to an end.

I used to think my grandmother was crazy. She always said it was gonna happen. That people would finally get crazy enough to pull something like that. She said, “Girl you better know how to grow your own food and live out in the woods. ” Now I believe her way more than I did then.

I watched just a few people, with hate filled hearts, destroy thousands of lives in minutes. I watched towers fall, and you knew that people were jumping. People covered in ash were running for their lives and ducking into stores in hope that the ash would not follow and kill them. Blood, firefighters, flags, these images would still haunt us today.

I went into my dead end job that afternoon in shock and everyone was talking about it. We all still talk about it and, for those who watched it through a tv screen, were scarred from it. Could you imagine living it? Even now when I hear a plane in the sky I duck and wait. I won’t fly, and never plan to. This is now the state of my world.

I don’t plan for it to get better, and for us that believe in a certain God….one day it will have to get worse for it to get better.

Posted in life and reflection

If I could peer into future,

like I read a book,

I would know

I could look

at the middle, ending, and begin again

solve the riddle

of being born to cry,

living to die

Marching blindly with open eyes

to the “big surprise” of

what you’ll be…or what you won’t

if you will…or if you won’t

Forging on–

weeks, hours, minutes

toward life’s demise

Like running blindly…

with open eyes

*

sms2010/2012

**Thoughts and prayers to the victims and family members of the tragedy  yesterday.

Posted in Writers I Like, Writing and all its cousins

Hazy (A Freewrite) By Gwendolyn P

Miracle of miracles! My closest of kin and dear sister/best friend has agreed to share a poem.  🙂

HAZY

by Gwendolyn P

1/25/09

Occupying my mind

All of the time

These thoughts of you and I

Driving me crazy

Because things used to be so amazing

Now they’re just hazy

*

Everything that used to be

Currently seems like some kind of dream to me

Got me questioning its reality

No longer sure if it was the truth or a lie

When you said you loved me all those times

Cause you’ve changed on me with no explanation as to why

*

Leaving me to pick up these pieces

Of a heart-broken for unknown reasons

And I still can’t believe it

Felt we were bonded forever

That our love was strong enough to keep us together

And because of that, it could withstand whatever

*

Yet here I sit alone

Proving once again that I was wrong

Have I just been delusional all along?

Never before given me a reason to doubt you

But now you’re saying I’ve got to learn to live without you

Makes me wanna shake the ** out of you

*

Or, better yet, someone shake the ** out of me

Awaken me from this hellish dream

Where tears endlessly flow and from pain there’s no relief

Where no one can explain to me

How a perfectly good relationship can turn to ** almost instantly

*

I’m really needing some help solving this mystery

Because things used to be so amazing

Now they’re just….hazy